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When Pete, a longtime colleague of ours, married his wife, Eleanor, in 1973, it would have been safe to assume that she, being a banker, would handle the finances while he, then a schoolteacher, would take a backseat. Then their son was born with a disability and the couple decided that Eleanor should quit her job and stay home with him. Once Pete, who had returned to graduate school and obtained his MBA, became the only breadwinner, he also inherited the financial-decision-maker role. At the same time Pete—a generous, jovial, and articulate man— turned into quite the spender, thinking nothing of buying an expensive suit that he’d wear only two or three times. To compensate for his champagne taste in clothes, Eleanor, when she shopped at all, would do so at discount stores (a detail she kept from Pete, who would have been horrified). Sure, her husband’s income had shot up, but so had his appetite for luxuries, including high-priced cars.
“We moved to California from New York, and I saw everyone driving around in BMWs,” explains Pete with a self-deprecating laugh and the kind of regret that only hindsight can bring. “1 thought that must be the state car, so I went out and bought one.” Over the next fifteen years he bought another and another and another, just as soon as the mileage on the “old” car passed twenty thousand—or a newer model captured his fancy. Despite hefty sports-car price tags, he never thought to consult his wife about those—or any other— purchases.
That attitude, combined with an overall lack of communication, almost cost Pete his marriage. Since the couple never discussed money, let alone a savings or an investment strategy Pete never knew how increasingly resentful his highly educated wife, who had spent ten years in the banking industr)c was becoming about her lack of participation in the Family Finances or Pete’s spending decisions.
Pete and Eleanor may have avoided facing their issues, but they couldn’t escape the downfall of their marriage. After a separation of several months, the couple decided that divorce was inevitable, and together they headed to a financial planner to figure out how to split their assets.
But unlike so many similar stories, this one has a happy ending. “You guys obviously care about and love each other,” the financial planner observed one afternoon after numerous joint meetings. “What are you doing getting a divorce?” Thus prompted, Pete and Eleanor asked themselves the same question and subsequently decided to try to work out their differences. After months of marriage counseling and a lot of hard work, Pete and Eleanor learned how to communicate with each other about money and everything else. They identified what was important to them as individuals and as a couple.
The upshot? At forty-seven, Pete quit his job to devote himself full time to the nonprofit international health-related causes about which he’s passionate. Investments they’ve made together now Finance their lifestyle, one in which they agree on each and every sizable purchase as a team. “Though I’m ashamed of my past behavior, I’m also proud of our courage to stick it out,” says Pete. “It’s so much easier to walk away from very difficult issues than to confront them head-on, I am the better—and we are the stronger—for it.”
Pete and Eleanor’s new financial policies and procedures, along with their.ongoing discussions about values and priorities, led to their recently building a dream house in Sun Valley, Idaho. “In almost thirty years of marriage, this is the first major purchasing decision we ever made together,” admits Pete.
In short, Pete and Eleanor now make a point of dealing with their life together—and their money—as equal partners. Once every three months they meet with their financial advisor to review their finances and make (or revise) their money decisions for the next six months. Then they go out to a nice restaurant and discuss their decisions and plans. What better way to reaffirm your love for each other than to talk about the life you’re living now and your dreams for the future?