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Archive for February, 2010

As Pete and Eleanor’s story so vividly shows, talking about money can allow you to build the life you want. In fact, we believe that financial security begins with a conversation—whether between spouses, between a parent and a child, or between an adult and an aging parent.
But these conversations aren’t easy, especially in the beginning. Most of us are used to chatting casually about the stock market or mortgage rates, but when it comes to candid, personal conversations about how much money we’ll need for retirement or how we’ll possibly be able to pay for our children’s college educations, the talk is much tougher. In a wealthy country where millions of investors have money in the stock market, there is still a desperate shortage of honest, candid talk about how we should be planning for the future.
And unfortunately, as Pete and Eleanor’s story also points out, not communicating about financial matters, from spending to investing to planning for the future, is an almost surefire way to undermine a relationship. So why, despite the obvious payoff and the equally obvious price of avoidance, do most people neither initiate nor participate in these essential family conversations about money? Because money is never just money, especially in the context of a family. For starters, money is tied up with our deepest emotional needs (such as security, comfort, success, and confidence) and fears (such as failure, inadequacy, and poverty) as well as with our sense of self- worth and identity. And ultimately, it becomes a reflection of our relationships. “In the first part of our marriage, there were all these inequalities, and money was a huge unspoken one,” says Pete. “Now it’s more of an equal playing field.”
Like it or not, even your parents’ attitudes about money have likely influenced yours. If your father or mother always tried to save that little bit, you may have adopted the same fiscally restrained habits. Or like a pendulum, you may do the opposite now that you’re an adult, refusing to let those money-saving tactics run your life. Either way, you’re reacting to lessons learned at your parents’ knees.
For example, I have a friend whose father used to drive her crazy with his penny-pinching habits: He phoned her only after five P.M. (he had one of those old-fashioned phone plans where the rates dropped at night), and he parked his car in a lot a mile away from where he was going if he could save a dollar. In response, as a young girl, my friend would call her dad whenever the urge struck, even if it was a mere ten minutes before the rates changed, partially to prove that her actions weren’t being dictated by the chance to save a buck. Valuing time and convenience more than economy, she often took cabs instead of buses and paid a housekeeper for cleaning she could easily have done herself. Figuring that you only go around once, she routinely indulged in expensive wine and topnotch restaurants. Only lately, many years later, has she come to recognize how much all those indulgences compromised her ability to save for her future and the things that mattered more.
My colleague Tom’s financial baggage also stems from his upbringing. Despite a steady income, his parents sometimes ran short of cash. Since Tom consistently held jobs as a kid—doing a paper route or umpiring Little League games—he usually had some cash on hand. “As a twelve- or thirteen-year-old, I was proud to always have a few hundred bucks,” he recalls. “I remember my dad and mom borrowing from me a few times to buy groceries or go out to a movie. In those pre-ATM days, I was like their bank for short-term credit.” Not surprisingly, this situation made Tom quite resentful in the long run, Thirty years later those emotions continue to affect how he deals with finances and money-related communication, but not in a positive way. Even today Tom never talks to his parents about their Financial position since it brings back uneasy memories. He and his wife don’t talk very much about their financial decisions or long-term p]ans either. While Tom attributes a lot of this silence to juggling two careers and raising two children, he also admits that his early negative money associations may play a part in his current attitude.

When Pete, a longtime colleague of ours, married his wife, Eleanor, in 1973, it would have been safe to assume that she, being a banker, would handle the finances while he, then a schoolteacher, would take a backseat. Then their son was born with a disability and the couple decided that Eleanor should quit her job and stay home with him. Once Pete, who had returned to graduate school and obtained his MBA, became the only breadwinner, he also inherited the financial-decision-maker role. At the same time Pete—a generous, jovial, and articulate man— turned into quite the spender, thinking nothing of buying an expensive suit that he’d wear only two or three times. To compensate for his champagne taste in clothes, Eleanor, when she shopped at all, would do so at discount stores (a detail she kept from Pete, who would have been horrified). Sure, her husband’s income had shot up, but so had his appetite for luxuries, including high-priced cars.
“We moved to California from New York, and I saw everyone driving around in BMWs,” explains Pete with a self-deprecating laugh and the kind of regret that only hindsight can bring. “1 thought that must be the state car, so I went out and bought one.” Over the next fifteen years he bought another and another and another, just as soon as the mileage on the “old” car passed twenty thousand—or a newer model captured his fancy. Despite hefty sports-car price tags, he never thought to consult his wife about those—or any other— purchases.
That attitude, combined with an overall lack of communication, almost cost Pete his marriage. Since the couple never discussed money, let alone a savings or an investment strategy Pete never knew how increasingly resentful his highly educated wife, who had spent ten years in the banking industr)c was becoming about her lack of participation in the Family Finances or Pete’s spending decisions.
Pete and Eleanor may have avoided facing their issues, but they couldn’t escape the downfall of their marriage. After a separation of several months, the couple decided that divorce was inevitable, and together they headed to a financial planner to figure out how to split their assets.
But unlike so many similar stories, this one has a happy ending. “You guys obviously care about and love each other,” the financial planner observed one afternoon after numerous joint meetings. “What are you doing getting a divorce?” Thus prompted, Pete and Eleanor asked themselves the same question and subsequently decided to try to work out their differences. After months of marriage counseling and a lot of hard work, Pete and Eleanor learned how to communicate with each other about money and everything else. They identified what was important to them as individuals and as a couple.
The upshot? At forty-seven, Pete quit his job to devote himself full time to the nonprofit international health-related causes about which he’s passionate. Investments they’ve made together now Finance their lifestyle, one in which they agree on each and every sizable purchase as a team. “Though I’m ashamed of my past behavior, I’m also proud of our courage to stick it out,” says Pete. “It’s so much easier to walk away from very difficult issues than to confront them head-on, I am the better—and we are the stronger—for it.”
Pete and Eleanor’s new financial policies and procedures, along with their.ongoing discussions about values and priorities, led to their recently building a dream house in Sun Valley, Idaho. “In almost thirty years of marriage, this is the first major purchasing decision we ever made together,” admits Pete.
In short, Pete and Eleanor now make a point of dealing with their life together—and their money—as equal partners. Once every three months they meet with their financial advisor to review their finances and make (or revise) their money decisions for the next six months. Then they go out to a nice restaurant and discuss their decisions and plans. What better way to reaffirm your love for each other than to talk about the life you’re living now and your dreams for the future?

A San Francisco science fair recently awarded a prize to a junior high school student whose science project consisted of cutting the head off a live frog with a pair of scissors, to find out whether frogs swim better with or without their brains.
Of course, this is not the only case of frogs being treated cruelly in our schools. They are often dissected by children ostensibly learning “how life works.” But what did this youngster learn through his experiment? I think he learned that it is all right to treat other living things as if they have no feelings, as if they are nothing but machines. I think he learned disrespect for life. And I wouldn’t call that a good thing.
The science fair judges, however, obviously disagree with me, for they commended the boy on his contributions to the forward march of science, predicted great things for his future, and rewarded him for scientifically proving that: “Frogs will not swim with brain missing unless harassed. A frog swims better with head on.”3
The attitude we develop towards animals as children tends to stay with us through the rest of our lives. And it continues to influence our experience, not only of animals, but of other people, ourselves, and life itself. There is a great deal of evidence from all over the world indicating that people who have, as children, learned to care for animals, grow up more capable of caring for themselves, and for other people. By the same token, people who later become criminals have very often abused animals as children. We find high statistical correlations in every country and culture where research has been done.
The way we treat animals is indicative of the way we treat our fellow humans. One Soviet study, published in Ogonyok, found that over 87% of a group of violent criminals had, as children, burned, hanged, or stabbed domestic animals.4 In our own country, a major study by Dr. Stephen Kellert of Yale University found that children who abuse animals have a much higher likelihood of becoming violent criminals.5
Studies of inmates in a number of U.S. prisons reveal that almost none of the convicts had a pet as a child. None of them had this opportunity to learn to respect and care for another creature’s life, and to feel valuable in so doing.
But these attitudes can be reversed, even in criminals. Heartwarming research has been done in which convicts nearing their release dates were allowed to have pet cats in their cells with them. The result? “Of the men who loved and cared for their cats, not a single one later failed as a free man to adjust to society.6 This in a penal system where over 70% of released convicts are expected to return to jail.
The attitudes towards animals shown by the youngster at the science fair, and by the Soviet criminals when they were youths, are not at all unusual. We’ve all grown up in a system that condones such cruelty. Our public stance is basically that animals are ours to treat any way we wish, and that kindness to animals and sensitivity to them as fellow beings is an option some may choose if they want to, but it is no more incumbent upon us than being nice to plastic dolls.